Are you a new mommy?
Okay, maybe you’re a ‘well-seasoned’ mommy.
Perhaps you’re a daddy?
You have a dog?
A mason jar filled with snails?
Well whatever you are, let’s pretend you’re a new mommy. And you’re all excited because you have a tiny baby in your arms. Whoo-Frickin’-Hoo!! You get to smell your baby’s head all day long, and you get to caress his soft cheeks and you can nibble on his ears. Let’s pretend that you’re so jazzed, and life is pretty fantastic…
Life’s pretty fantastic, that is, until you visit your mommy’s group.
First it starts with, “Are you breastfeeding on demand? You should throw those formula samples away. Those are from the DEVIL!!!”
And you nod in complete accordance, because sure, that makes sense. And if you disagree you don’t want to allegedly find yourself in a darkened alley with an angry mom behind the wheel of a Toyota Sienna.
Later you hear that you should schedule your baby’s feedings because if you don’t your baby will become an entitled selfish wanker, and the last thing the world needs is another entitled selfish wanker. And you’re like, Woah! Wait a minute, I thought I was supposed to feed on demand! And you think, Geez, I need to sit down, this is a lot of conflicting information.
Well, hold on sister, this is just the beginning.
Opening this discussion with other mommies can give you enough gastrointestinal discomfort to fill an entire Petunia PickleBottom diaper tote. And none of the information is conclusive, so you’re left going, “huh?” all while battling an embarrassing case of IBS.
Diapering? Are you doing cloth or disposables?
If it’s disposables, get ready for a sea of judgment and wrath from cloth diapering mavens.
Are you going to wear your baby?
“Well, I got this great new car seat that is also a baby carrier,” you say. “And I was just going to carry the baby around in his car seat, it’s so much more convenient.”
Well just know that you’re scarring your baby for life. He feels distant and scared being that far away from you. Babies need to be touching you and close to you at all times to feel nurtured and loved.
“But I have chronic back pain, and pushing the stroller is so much easier.”
Well, then you must not really love your baby. Take some Advil and strap that baby to your chest, dammit, they’ll say.
Are you going to baby proof your house?
“Yes, of course I am.”
Well you shouldn’t. Then they never learn about danger. Do you want to teach your child that there aren’t any dangers in the world??
Is that a jar of baby food? What the hell is wrong with you?!
“But it’s organic”, you say.
It doesn’t matter, by the time the factory is done processing it, all the nutrients are exhausted and it’s just pasty version of what it used to be. If you truly care about your child’s nutrition, you’d make your own fresh baby food everyday.
And you go back home. Tired, defeated and completely insecure. You cuddle your baby close to you and tell him that you’re totally going to screw him up, and you hope that one day he will understand that you’ve tried your best.
I never knew that being a mommy was so controversial. I always thought talking about religion and politics was off limits. Well religion and politics are child’s play. The new controversy is what kind of baby sling you’re going to use and how long you’re planning on breastfeeding.
Well let me be the first to tell you that it’s all a bunch of crap. Sure, it’s important to educate yourself; to make sure that you’re being an informed parent, but my humble advice is to act on your own motherly intuition.
Motherly intuition is some powerful stuff.
If it feels right, do it. And if it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.
It doesn’t have to be complicated.
And for any mama who disagrees, don’t let it get to you, she’s probably just mad because her hemorrhoids are flaring up.