Losin It With Carrie

On The Road Again

It’s not easy, this weight loss thing.

It’s also not easy to blog about this weight loss thing, especially when the weight loss itself isn’t going that great.  Hard to think of topics and inspiration and motivation for writing about losing weight when I’ve lost the motivation to actually do it.

There are a few weight loss blogs I read (Prior Fat Girl, From Fat to Finish Line) and I’ve seen this timeline play out a hundred times.

Girl needs to lose weight.

Girl starts blog.

Girl loses some weight.

Girl stops posting.

Girl comes back whatever amount of time later and talks about how she’s been off the wagon, but she’s back on and its going to be different this time.

Rinse, Lather, Repeat.

From every one of those hundred times I can tell you what I was always thinking…

Frankly, my dear, I just don’t give a Clark Gable.

Because I really wasn’t reading to hear how you are failing.  I was failing fine enough on my own, thank you.  No need for inspiration there.  I came for hope, for tips, for before and after pictures and magial recipes that incoporate chocolate and butter and cream and only have 5 calories.  (still looking for that last one)

So why, oh why, would I do to you what I’ve loathed from others?

Because that’s where I’m at.  Right here, in the exact spot to the ounce that I was two months ago when I last posted.  I’ve gone over it and over it in my head- what I could have been doing all that time and how many pounds I could have lost and how I could be halfway to my goal if I’d have stayed the course.  But where I am today, that’s the reality, and whether it inspires you or annoys you it is what it is.  We say in our house, “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”  Well, this is what I gave myself, so I’m not planning on being upset about it.

I’m planning on moving forward.

There are a few things I’m excited to share with you- a new book about weight loss an motherhood combined, a tip I came up with making dinner the other night that has revolutionized how I’m serving food, and more.  But I’m only going to take the first step tonight, and save some for later to keep you and myself coming back.

Weight Loss to Date: -20 lbs.  and COUNTING!

I had this whole great post ready about my milestone 20 lb. weight loss since I started this journey.  First, I’d host a little celebratory pat-on-the-back, look back at far I’ve come over the last 6 months, and share how I’m going to celebrate in real life.

Instead, I stepped on the scale this morning and have gained 2 lbs.  There are 100 ways I could explain it away, but I know that I’ve gotten lazy lately.  Physically lazy and lazy with eating well.  And that will show on the scale.  Every time.

Hitting that self-important milestone, especially during a milestone month halfway through my “Flirty and 30 Life Plan” felt so good.  And now I’m discouraged with myself.  I know better than this.  I know exactly what I need to do, and how to do it.

But right now, I’m feeding my stress with Girl Scout cookies and finding every excuse not to lace up my running shoes.  In the moment, it’s easier and slightly satisfying.  But stepping on the scale in the morning, it’s like walking into a test you know you didn’t study for.  Praying that the outcome is magically opposite from the hard work you neglected to complete.

This is a reminder for me that this decision to lose weight is something I have to live moment to moment, meal to meal.  I won’t always be perfectly on track.  I have (though hopefully won’t ever again) turned around and run away in the opposite direction from where I know to go for success.  But this path isn’t a straight, narrow, smooth road.  It’s a windy, twisty, cobbled trail.

I’m in for the long haul, and I will be back (hopefully next week) with that celebratory milestone post.

Hold me to it, friends.  And whatever you’re waiting for, start today.  There’s no way for us to get there tomorrow if we don’t start today.

Gift of Fear

Its that split second when something goes from innocous to threatening.

Out on a jog, both kids tucked and strapped into the stroller, the streetlights had just come on.  The car drove by again- time number 6 within the last mile.  Then it waited at the stop sign ahead.  I slowed, wary.  It paused, seeming to wait for me.  Then as I pulled out my cell phone, it turned and sped off.

Something deep within my subconcious alarmed and I got help there as quickly as possible.  It was a moment that could have been paralyzing, but I jumped into action providing both the license plate and description of the driver.  My brain instinctually recalled a book I’d read years earlier called “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker.  It’s a nonfiction book that decsribes real incidents of violence to help readers avoid trauma and violence by teaching them various warning signs and precursors to violence. One thing I specifically remember was that often women easily excuse suspicious behavior instead of trusting their gut.  It was an internal battle in that moment to soak in every detail, quickly analyze, and identify next steps without justifying the behavior.

Thankfully, nothing came of the strange situation and my babies and I made it home safely.  It brought to light for me how woefully unprepared I am for an emergency while I exercise.  As I’m running more, I rarely carry a phone since the majority of my running clothes don’t have pockets.  I never have ID.  As a working mom, the easiest time to run is in the evening.  I run alone a lot. I wear dark clothes because I think I look thinner.  Seriously.  That is laughable. It’s pretty much the exact opposite of every safety list for runners like this one from about.com.

I’ve realized that no amount of calorie counting or running or journaling or introspection or promises will matter if I’m not here to reap the benefits.  I’d much rather look like a crossing guard Disney tourist with reflective gear and a fanny pack of important items than be cute and completely vulnerable.

Here’s my list of safety to-do’s that I’m going to accomplish in the next week-

• Buy a Road ID
• Get a running buddy and find a local beginners group
• Buy running pants with pockets big enough for my cell

Here’s another Safety 101 for Runners tip list from Another Mother Runner that I love.  The second to last tip came in handy with the situation above.

And I’d recommend “The Gift of Fear” to anyone.  Though its a tough reality to face, having knowledge truly is power.  Honestly, the most empowering thing I took is to get out of my own head, look at situations like an impartial observer, and judge based off what’s happening and how my body reacts.

Stay safe out there, my friends.

Dear Me 10 Years Ago:

Last weekend, you and your husband ran a 5K together.

Seriously.

Okay, stop laughing.

I know you’re 275 pounds and barely able to walk a 5K, much less run one.  But something is about to happen to you.  You are about to start putting yourself and your health first.  You are going to learn how to make better food choices and get that aching body moving.  You will lose a lot of weight, and find yourself.  You will fall in love with running, and sprint through Disneyland at 11pm on a Friday evening in January.

Really, with the laughing again?  Let me tell you about yourself that night.  You picked out your running oufit a week in advance and laid it out to inspire you through the last week of training.  The evening of the 5K you suited up, slipping on both your appropriately snug gear and a confident attitude.  You strolled through a practically empty Main Street at Disneyland holding hands with your husband, shook your booty during the pre-race dance party, toed the Neverland Family 5K starting line, and took off running.

You ran every single step of that race.  Pacing yourself as you took in the sights- running past Small World and through Toon Town, by Thunder and Splash Mountain.  You passed the water station halfway through without stopping because you didn’t want to break your stride.  You reveled in the cheers of the spectators snaking between Disneyland and CA Adventure.  You were one of the few who kept running up the big hill toward Tower of Terror because you had trained on hills and knew that you were capable of conquering it.

As you neared Paradise Pier and the finish line, your pace quickened and your arms pumped.  You pushed yourself just enough to finish breathing hard, still panting as you slid your finisher’s medal over your head.

You did it.

Speaking as yourself a decade later, I can tell you that your journey towards a healthy weight is not done.  You still have a way to go- a lofty goal this year, in fact.  But today, you are a better you than you were 10 years ago.  And I am proud of you for taking that first step that led to this place.

So congratulations 10 years in advance.  And to the next 10 years, may you bring the truthful and honest light that brings to reality a healthy body, healthy relationship with food, and a healthy and beautiful soul.

With love,

Carrie 2012

Thanks to everyone who supported me in training for the runDisney Neverland Family 5K- my running buddy husband, my family who watched the kids countless times while I ran in circles, and my friends and readers for your neverending support and encouragement.  Your support and confidence propelled me toward the finish line.

Here’s to the next 5K…and then maybe a 10K?

What Feels Good

A quick update: Total Weight Loss to date -11.6 lbs.

Sometimes its the small things that keep me moving forward in my weight loss journey.

I’ve mentioned before that I have a whole plan set before me in preparation for a banner birthday coming in August.  I’ts my Flirty30 Life Plan and I’ve got a big goal- to be under 200 lbs.

There are days when the goal is overwhelming.  Honestly, I’m scared.  It all seems so simple when you’re writing a blog post.  But in the trenches, or mealtimes as they’re more commonly know, there is this part of my brain that takes over and entices me into fulfilling every fare-related desire I’ve ever had.

Oh, Oprah. I feel you.

Its not that I don’t have the education about healthy eating and fitness.  I KNOW what to do.  I know when and where and what to eat.  I have the tools and the support.  I know how far I can push my body and what I should be putting in it to recover.  If I were a robot, and could plan my day before getting out of bed and stick to it exactly, I’d hit my goal well before the birthday candles are lit.

The trouble arises in the moment.  Sure, I packed a sandwich and orange for lunch, but my coworker wants to go out.  Then we’re talking about what “sounds good” for lunch.  You know what sounds good?  A brownie sundae and a Coke.  Regular Coke.  With lots of ice and refills.

What I find is that I need to give myself small daily reminders of my goal, and that can change my behavior.  Here are the 4 small changes I’ve made that I’m finding are really helping.

1. I’ve set my work password to remind myself that I want to be under 200 lbs.  Now every time my computer locks, I have to re-enter the password and be mindful of my goal.

2. Post-workout, I’m recording the type of exercise and length (min/miles) on a whiteboard stuck to my fridge.  When I reach for the chocolate chip cookies on top, I see all my hard work.  Do I always stop and not get a cookie?  No.  But last night I only had one.  And trust me when I say that 1 cookie is usually a dessert appetizer.

3. Recording my food and exercise on my LoseIt! app on my iPhone.  Not every day, and not every meal, but most of the time.  It keeps me honest with myself.

4. This has probably been the biggest mindset change and its making a HUGE impact.  Instead of asking myself at mealtimes, “what sounds good?” I’m revamping that into “what feels good?”  What will feel good in my body?  What will help me feel like I’m getting closer to my goal?  Because let’s face it, a brownie sundae and Coke are always going to “sound” better, but they’re rarely going to “feel” better.

Do you have any tips on small changes that you’ve made?  A girl can use all the help she can get.

More Hunchback than Tinkerbell

I was all raring and ready to go.  It was Jan 1st, my resolutions were safely tucked into nicely sized columns on my Excel spreadsheet, I had written out my workouts on the calendar and stocked up on healthy foods.  I went to an hour and a half kickboxing class so intense I could barely lower myself onto the couch without groaning.  I was starting out right.

Jan 2 I got sick.  It was sick-achy on top of post-workout-achy and exhausted and miserable.  Recovered nicely on Wednesday, came home Thursday from work vomiting through Friday.  Quarantined through the weekend.  Gnarly.

In the haze of round-robin sickness that enveloped my family for a week, we barely left the house to re-stock up on Ritz crackers and Sprite.  It’s taken the last few days to even get enough energy stockpiled to take a walk longer than to the bathroom and back. 

So you get it.  I’ve been sick.  I didn’t kick off the New Year like I wanted to. Despite being sick, the scale still reads the same annoying number that it did on Dec. 31.  Its frusterating.

Cue last night.  I actually FELT like going for a run.  And since I’ve completely abandoned my training plan for the Disneyland Neverland 5K coming up this month, I knew I needed to hop back on the proverbial horse and get moving if I have any hope of finishing.  Suited up, stroller locked and loaded with 60 lbs of child, I headed out for what I’d hoped would be an easy mile.

I wish this was the part where I told you how great I felt.  How my feet were gliding over the sidewalk and the stroller felt like pushing a cloud full of down feathers and puppies.  That instead of 1 mile, I breezed through 3 and now have every confidence in my 5K abilities.

Well, it sucked.  I shuffled and tripped and breathed awkwardly heavily.  The few times that passing headlights shone my shadow onto the sidewalk beside me, I looked more Hunchback than Tinkerbell.  I kid you not when I tell you that a man on a motorized scooter flew past me. 

But I finshed.  A mile.  Then I walked a little so I didn’t sound like I’d just completed a triathalon when I walked back through the door.

Instead of feeling discouraged at a difficult run, I decided to be proud of myself for getting out there and move on.  I wrote down my little “1″ on my workout calendar spreadsheet, and I’ll try again tomorrow.

Here’s to hoping that some of that Disney magic kicks in at the 5K.  I promise a whole post-run report- good, bad or inbetween!

How do you stay motivated after being out of the game for a little while, and how do you recover from a bad workout?

The Other 23 Hours: New Years Resolution 2012

I love New Years Resolutions.  I love the idea of taking stock and starting fresh and spring cleaning my mind and resolve.

What I dislike are the unattainable goals, the lofty expectations set up for self-sabotage and the depressing realization that 92% of New Years Resolutions won’t be kicking next December 31.  In fact, according to ABC News, 45% won’t make it past January.

I’ve had some fun New Years Resolutions in the past that my family still taunts me about.  That year I tried to read the Bible every day?  Well, I got through the first five books and decided that I was becoming Jewish so I didn’t have to read the rest.  Giving up chocolate?  Don’t think that one lasted past New Years Day. 

What I realized was that most of these resolutions were doomed before they even started.  Why?  Because I set out to change something for the wrong reasons.  Instead of reading the Bible every day because I wanted to, I was choosing that instead of some lofty weight loss goal that I knew I wouldn’t acheive. 

Every year, losing weight seems to be at the top of my New Years Resolutions.  I think that’s a WONDERFUL thing!  What’s not so wonderful is simply stating that “My New Years Resolution is to lose (insert number of lbs. here).”  Easy to say, but unfortunately just saying that you want something doesn’t make it so.  Losing weight requires preparation, motivation, and dedication.

I was sent a video by my Nana last week, and its shaping my 2012 New Years Resolution. First, let me tell you about my Nana.  She is 70-something and absolutely one of the most beautiful, energetic, inspiring and just plain good people that I know.  Nana is in wonderful health, and has walked every day for as long as I can remember.  For my high school graduation, Nana took me (just she and I) on a Disney Cruise.  In the three days we spent at Disney World, that lady ran me ragged.  I could barely keep up with her, and to this day its the only vacation I have ever lost weight.

The video Nana sent was called “23 1/2 Hours” and its an illustrated lecture on the importance of exercise.  What struck me was the simplicity of the benefits that exercise provides, even for people who are overweight or obese.  The study that’s cited in the video found that exercise for people who are obese, even if they don’t lose weight but are active, negated a majority of the health consequences that would normally accompany obesity.

<iframe width=”640″ height=”360″ src=”http://www.youtube.com/embed/aUaInS6HIGo?rel=0” frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen></iframe>

The question at the end of the video is this- “Can you limit your sitting and sleeping to just 23 1/2 hours a day?”

My 2012 New Years Resolution is this: To be just as active as my 70+ year old Nana.  To fit my sitting and sleeping into the other 23 1/2 hours a day.  In other words, I am going to incoporate exercise into my life for half of an hour each day.

I know this is going to mean sacrifice.  I know that some days (maybe even most days) I won’t want to give up 30 minutes.  I know there will be scads of excuses and challenges and other tempting things to occupy my time.  But I am going to put myself first, and get out there. 

In taking my own advice, I have a list of ways to incoporate this resolution into my life.  I’ll share them as we move through this year together.  Hopefully this will lead to some additional weight loss beyond the 10 lbs. I’ve lost since starting this blog in October.  But what I’m not going to do this year is stress about it, or only eat grapefruit, or be hyper-critical of myself.  I’m going to exercise, and I’m going to be nice to myself.  That’s it.

I’d love for you to share your New Years Resolutions- weight loss related or otherwise!

Here’s to a Happy, Healthy, and Active 2012!

From Greedy to Grateful

In my rational brain, I know the truth.

There’s never been a time in my life when I’ve wondered where my next meal is coming from.

I’ve always had enough, more than enough in fact.  My family loved and celebrated and connected over food.  Despite knowing that, I still wrestle at every meal with myself over a completely unfounded fear of not having enough and walking away hungry.

A few weeks ago, I met some people who were hungry.  They were so hungry that they came to a soup kitchen for a 2pm meal- a meal late enough in the day that their stomachs wouldn’t be growling at bedtime because it might very well be the only meal they eat that day.  And they changed me with their smiles.

These hungry people filled the home-dining-room-like Someone Cares Soup Kitchen in Costa Mesa.  They sat patiently while we were given a basic serving overview (they’re allowed to come through the line up to 3 times, give each person the same portions, etc.) And once we donned our aprons and picked up our slotted spoons, they filed through with plates outstrectched.

My first emotion: embarassment.  Not for them, for me.  I was embarassed at how greedy I have been, and how outwardly evident it is that I have very little self-control when it comes to food.  Embarassed that I have taken so much when these people have so little.

The serving experience was humbling.  I was serving salad and fruit to these wonderful, beautiful people and did my best to not only give equal portions, but to look each of them in the eye and say, “thank you for being here today.”  As I was one of the last to add food to the plates, I got to see the full meal set before the guests that day.  It was bright and healthy, smelled great and looked better than what had been gracing my kitchen table recently.

My realization that day wasn’t how wonderful Someone Cares is (they are wonderful) or how, umm, normal the guests looked that day.  It was that I have been incredibly greedy with food, and these people were incredibly grateful for whatever they were going to find being served that day.

Simplified: My lesson was that I am grateful for the opportunity to have an abundance of choices, and I am going to use that opportunity make good ones.

It’s been a few weeks and the lesson has stuck.  I’ve added more fruits and veggies, and I remember that hunger isn’t something to be frightened of so I allow myself to eat less than I want.  If I get hungry before my next meal, I get a healthy snack.

I already have plans to return to Someone Cares.  I want to continue to give back, to squash the greed with grateful service, and to show them that I Care.

Learn more about Someone Cares here.

They serve more than 300 meals a day to those in need, and have been for 20 years.  They are an incredible organization, and one that I’m proud to commit my time to.  Setting up an afternoon to volunteer with family and friends- you in?

Better

That can’t be me.  Oh, but it is me.

Thanksgiving was wonderful- we spent three days with family in Yosemite.  We ate and hiked and played and laughed and enjoyed being together.  Despite road food and not being completely in control of what was put in front of me, I lost three pounds last week.  I was feeling great.

Then, I looked through the pictures from the trip.

This picture was from a family hike down to the Chilnualna River in Wawona.  The kids were skipping rocks, splashing and playing at the river’s edge, I was pacing around trying to get the 9 month old on my back to sleep and loving the gorgeous, sunny day.  I looked up to see my husband snapping this picture of me and the baby.  When I’d gotten dressed that morning, I was feeling sporty and cute.  When I saw this picture, I felt huge and unattractive and unhealthy.

This picture is the kind of thing that would have totally derailed me a few months back.  To be honest, it did totally derail me for a few minutes.  After a few tears, I looked back at the picture and had a harsh reality check.

Here’s what I can do in this skin, exactly as I am right now.  I can run two and a half miles without dying.  I can feel my work pants getting looser.  I can make better food choices and incorporate one fruit or vegetable into every meal.  I may not look like a person who can do any of those things, but I am.

Here’s what else I can do.  I can get real with myself.  I can accept exactly how much I weigh, and this picture makes me look it.  I can stop hiding behind excuses.  I CAN DO BETTER.

I’m not going to print this picture out and plaster it everywhere to shame myself into making better choices.  I will keep it in the shadows of my mind, and think about it when I have a tough choice to make.  I will also take a picture of myself every week, so I can document this transformation that’s taking place.  

So this is picture 1.  This is not what picture 5 or 10 or 20 will look like.  Because I can AND WILL do better.

As Fast As We Can

In January, I’m going to be running, running as fast as I can.

(Which for the record is horrendously, embarassingly slow.)

Nevertheless, I’ll be running in the runDisney Neverland 5K.  It’s a 5K through Disneyland AT NIGHT!

I’d never call myself a runner, though I try to get out and pound the pavement two to three times a week.  It’s just that running doesn’t come naturally for me, though I’ve taught myself to enjoy the quiet solitude and the challenge.  Back in May 2010 I completed a 10K- you can read about my journey to the 10K here.

Now I feel like I’m starting from square 1- or maybe square 1 1/2.  While my runs have been consistent, they’ve also been complacent.  External motivation needed: enter runDisney and the Neverland 5K.  My goal is simple- to finish feeling confident about my ability to complete 3+ miles.

Here’s the steps I’m taking to set myself up for success…

• Following the Couch to 5K Running Plan from Cool Running
• Writing down my workouts for the coming week on Sunday
• Making a list of different running routes around our house to avoid boredom
• Signing up for a 5K that I’m super excited for!

If I can continue on with my goal of losing 2lbs per week, not only will I be breezily finishing a 10K come January, I’ll be 20 lbs lighter.

Keep coming back for updates on getting runs in while juggling two kids under 4 and a full-time job!  Share with me your exercise goal- we can all inspire each other!

Weekly weigh-in coming later this week…the scale is still going down, but seems to have slowed.  More to come!